Summer sadness

Summer is coming to an end for us. Most parents get antsy around this time, they have the need to return to the normal life of school everyday to help their sanity and their scheduling needs. My family on the other hand has the opposite experience of most of the world. I am a teacher. Summer is my time to spend with my kids, enjoy my kids, and just relax and enjoy life. We have really tried to accomplish that this summer. I know we have had our ups and downs, still struggling with our family drama and working on anger, but ultimately life was so much more relaxing and joyful the last two months. We have been to the beach and the pool (yet apparently my kids hate the beach, except my youngest who “accidentally” ends up having fun there), went on hikes,

 

drive in movies, summer camps, fairs, concerts and more concerts and well…you get the picture. For the most part we had a good summer, which is culminating in one last hurrah. Disneyland. The happiest place on earth.

It truly is the happiest place. I love Disneyland. Only psycho grumpy freaks don’t enjoy Disneyland. Yes, there are crowds, yes you have to stand in line for ever, yes it is expensive. Welcome to life. Hurry up and wait. The best part about Disneyland is seeing it through the eyes of a child. My kids need a dose of the happiest place on earth, they have really experienced a crappy type of unhappiness this past year that no child should ever be subjected to. Even if I am stretching myself thin a bit to get them there, it is worth it.

I grew up in Southern California in the 80’s and 90’s. My parents divorced when I was just 2 years old. I did not understand that being in a single parent home was different, and it was back then. I did know that my Dad came around sometimes, when he did it was all fun and games. In retrospect, I know that he did not support us financially like he should have, and did not deal with the daily grind of kids. He seemed like the kind of Dad that all kids dreamed of, always happy, always wanting his kids time and attention above everything else. This was precious to me, but now I know that he acted cowardly in his fatherly duties. I do not say this to judge him, but more to acknowledge my mothers struggle as a single parent. I do not know why he chose to not help my mom, or to only show up periodically to bless us with gifts and then leave. I do know that one of those gifts was Disneyland. ALL THE TIME. How could a kid not love that dad, right?

Well it wasn’t just that he took us to Disneyland. Eventually all kids see through the false motives of people, including parents. The thing that I loved about going to Disneyland is that my Father really loved it to. Like a kid would love it.

I have very fond memories of him singing “It’s a small world” as we stood in line for the ride with the happiest expression on his face. Or his bubbling enthusiasm for the Tiki room which was his favorite attraction, and how he would build up our anticipation and excitement for the mechanical birds that popped in and out of the room. Personally I think he was just an old fart that need a bit of a rest to endure the rest of the walking and waiting, I think he was genius.

My Dad passed away 15 years ago and it was one of the biggest losses of my life. Losing a parent is hard for anyone. My PapaDad was special to so many, and his happiness and zeal for life touched so many. As most people will say, it doesn’t get easier, just longer between serious heartaches. This year was a year that I truly felt the loss of my Dad. With everything I went through it would have been really great if I could have called my Daddy to come comfort me and love on me. Or to just tell me to suck it up and stop my whining. Just to hear his voice would be so comforting. There is a way for me to do that…

So, happy birthday to my first Baby, a last hurrah for summer and a great big hug from my Papa. That is what we are going to be doing before summer is up. This will help us to move on to a better happier new (school) year. Faces will hurt from smiling so much, feet will ache from walking so much and hearts will heal with happiness and laughter and fond memories to overwhelm the senses.

Disneyland! Thank you for being a light in this ever present darkness.

Fight club

I have always been an introspective person. I am a bit quiet, have a few great friends I can really trust and I hate to fight with people. I like peace, I need peace. I know that everyone needs and wants peace, but some of us can’t succeed in life and be healthy without true peace. Other people like a little fire or spice in their life and they seek out arguments, because it excites them. I am not one of those people.

Most of you know that I was recently divorced from a 15 year long marriage. One that rarely had the peace that I so desperately needed. I grieved, I prayed, we were counseled by many people to get us through our struggle, before and after the divorce. I know we are not completely healed but we are close. I praise God for that, he alone brought me through my pain because I asked him to. Recently I started going on dates again. I thought I was ready, I told myself that if I waited too long fear would control my decisions and I would end up an old spinster. So I decided to fight the fear, and try a date or two.

Fear is something I don’t like. I actually get baffled when my children say they are afraid of something, because I rarely fear things anymore. ANYMORE is the key word. I know that fear is a tool of the devil and so I refuse to let fear control my thoughts and decisions.Many say I am brave, but its is God who is brave. I am weak, that makes me strong. One thing that I didn’t realize is that my constant need for peace was actually a manifestation of a fear of fighting.

If you haven’t read the bible recently, I will give you a spoiler alert; there is tons of fighting in both the Old and New Testament. Some of it was God ordained. This does not mean we have an angry God that wants to smite people all the time. It does mean that God knows that standing up for what you believe in is imperative for a healthy relationship. He wants us to know how to fight.

A new friend of mine called me on something I said recently that made me and my introspective self really think. After telling them my justifications for dating after my divorce I then told them that I used to be in ministry, but felt that I was not ready to get back into that because I need time to heal from my divorce. Imagine my chagrin when they called me out.

You are ready to date, but you are not ready for ministry again? How does that work?

Ouch is right.

After mulling this over for some time and looking at my current situation I realize I am not quite ready for either. But I am getting very close. The one lesson God wants me to learn before I move on is to not be afraid to join the fight club. Yes, that is right. God wants me to fight. He wants me to stand up for myself. Be bold.  Stand up for others. He wants me to realize that seeking peace sometimes means you need to go through the battle first. Thank God he has perfectly laid out instructions for a good fair fight.

First we put on his armor. He tells us all about the parts of his armor in the book of Ephesians.

Like all soldiers we must have the proper equipment to win a fight.

First we need a helmet, God’s helmet of salvation tells the enemy that we are covered. We have our minds and thoughts covered by Gods blessing and a physical representation that Jesus already won the fight for us. Can I get an Amen?

Second, would be the breast plate of righteousness, protect your heart by knowing who you are in Christ. You are an Heir to the throne, act like it.

Third, we put on the belt of truth. Truth is so important; if we fought without truth then we have already lost the fight. Resist the Devils lies that you are not good enough, not strong enough, that you do not belong or are not worthy. Or the lies that you can earn your way to victory, that you are more blessed, more holy or more humble than everyone else. These all are lies to break you down, and if anyone knows the psychology of sports half the battle is believing in your heart you are going to win. If you can do that the game/fight has already been decided.

Fourth, we need our shield of faith to protect us when we doubt. Have faith that God will be there in your hour of need. When you really don’t think you can make it you call out to him. When we do this he will send his holy spirit to lift us up.

Fifth, we need the sword of the sprit, and last but not least prepare your feet with the gospel of PEACE.

Whoop, there it is. My favorite word, Peace.

We all want it, but are we willing to do all that work to get it? I used to run away from the battle, but I am learning how to fight fair and that running away is no solution. I have come along way from my chilhood days of serious escape.

As a child I used books to escape reality, to make connections and comparisons with characters in stories and to just find the peace I so desperately craved. This spilled over in my real life as a young adult and I found my self running away from my problems often. Physically running away, emotionally running away, mentally running away. It took me years to realize I did this and more years to start to try to correct it. I know I am not there yet. But I am working on it. That is what makes me a great person though. I seek out help with my troubles, I know I am not perfect. I am perfectly capable of saying “I’m Sorry” and in fact I think it is imperative to the success of any relationship, from marriage to child rearing to teaching. Tell them you are sorry when you mess up.

The problem that I have had for the last 15 years is that I was in a relationship with someone who was never wrong. In their minds it was impossible for them to be wrong and everything was always my fault.  At first I apologized for the things I supposedly did wrong (which were false accusations), because I wanted peace in the home. Then I went to the opposite extreme and fought back too much, adding to the anxious war zone that was mistakenly called home. It took me years to figure out there is a balance to it all, and I am still learning this. Lately God is trying to teach me how to fight in a godly way so I can avoid the mistakes of the past.

This past year has been a full scale atomic bomb type war for me. My marriage. My divorce. My workplace. Even beloved family members and best friends. These fights have brought me to my knees in utter desperation. Some fights were completely out of my control; one sided battles that were going no where. Others were unfortunate miscommunications which ended as all fights should, with true repentance of both parties and complete reconciliation. Others I believe will end this way, but I am still in prayer for those situations. Gods plan is so beautiful that way. It is a shame that my marriage could not have ended that way, it had the potential but it just wasn’t meant to be. It brings me to tears now, just thinking back on all of the pain that has been manifested in mine and my children’s lives. But now it is time to look ahead to the future and Thank God for the blessings of today.

God has a plan for us because he knew that we would be fighting and would not only need protection but a strategy. Now I know that he wants me to practice the strategy he has put in place for me to find real true peace. Put on Gods armor to prepare for the battle. Spend hours in real prayer, that is where wars are won; on our knees in prayer. We can also fight the good fight in worship. This has always been my preferred method because I love music and it takes my eyes off of the temporary and helps me refocus on the permanent truth of God’s love and protection. There is a great song by an awesome musician by the name of Jonathan David Helser, “God of the Angel armies”. (click to watch/hear it)

This song got me through my darkest days. I played it on my drives to work and sang it with all my heart. The more I sang, the more I believed and my triumphs in the face of evil is proof that God is my protector. God is for us, not against us and he wants to rescue us, we just need to ask.

Are you going to fight the good fight? Lets stand up together.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So what are you waiting for?

Obedience

The word obedience is often looked at as a curse word in this day and age. Popular culture tells us to disobey authority, to challenge the masses and be an individual. This way of life leads to self centered chaos in our community and our homes. I am not advocating for blindly doing what you are told. You need to have discernment, think for your self and make sure it lines up with God’s word. I am saying that we all need to learn the importance of obedience; first to God and then to those we are in relationship with.

I experience disobedience daily. In my life, my childrens’ lives, my students’ lives. It is everywhere. The one thing I have come to learn is that disobedience is a heart issue. Once we get to the bottom of our own heart issue towards this topic, we can start to mend our current and future relationships and ourselves. Obedience to God builds faith and trust, as we see the fruit of that obedience. Obedience to parents brings security as children learn that even in their most chaotic moment of disobedience they can trust that Mom and Dad are in control. Obedience in a marriage brings the important intimacy; both emotionally and sexually, that make a marriage thrive and succeed. Obedience in a sibling relationship is imperative to making a happy home and is a model for the community we call church.

Obedience= trust

My struggle with disobedience started at a young age, as it does for all of us. Pushing my boundaries, challenging my parents. In the perfect situation there are two godly parents that know exactly how to respond to these willful acts of disobedience and the children grow up safe and secure with a good understanding that obedience yields peace and blessings beyond measure. Unfortunately this is rare. In fact most godly parents struggle too. They are too strict, shielding their children from everything that is in this world, which then shelters them from the experience and understanding of the importance of obedience. Or they teach from the broken places in their heart to not trust church authority, but only trust Jesus. Which is a skewed broken version of the obedience that we are called to. We are all humans who have screwed up. Humans that make choices out of fear, because of our past experiences, we need to rebuke the lies that our past dictates our and our children’s future and be obedient to God’s word. Mend the broken places, learn obedience and in turn teach it.

This year I vowed to God to be obedient to his word in regards to my divorce and eventual dating and remarriage. This in and of itself should be easy right? It’s all in the bible. Read it. Do it. Success. Too bad that is never how it works, Paul says it best when he talks about it in Romans 7:19 “For the good that I would I do not: but the evil which I would not, that I do.” This is why we live in community, because we can’t do it alone. We need our Christian friends to pick us up when we are down, and more importantly slap us around (metaphorically of course) when we are listening to our flesh instead of Gods word.

The issue of obedience is illustrated nicely in the historical record of the minor prophet, Jonah. We all know the story right? God tells Jonah to help the evil people of Nineveh, Jonah says he will but then disobeys and tries to run from God. We all know that did not end well for him and eventually he repented and did what God asked of him. He could have saved himself so much heartache and trouble if he had just been obedient the first time. This is an important theme for this story, but not the one that I want to point out.

God has been really laying this on my heart lately, and as most of us do, I was not paying too much attention. But after repeated exposure to the story of Jonah I started to get the hint. First an acquaintance mentioned identifying with Jonah in the midst of a struggle, the next day my sister posted the cutest video of a little girl retelling the story of Jonah on my Facebook feed, and last but not least my new morning devotional was about Jonah. So I took the hint and studied and pondered the story and the theme of obedience through out.

Do you know what struck me the most? The fact that the men in the boat to Tarshish would never have met Jonah and subsequently been saved had he not been disobedient in the first place.  As it says in Jonah 1:16 “Then the men feared the LORD exceedingly, and offered a sacrifice unto the LORD, and made vows.” These men saw the glory of the lord and committed their lives to him after their experience.

Yes, we should advocate for obedience at all times. Disobedience brings shame. Shame begets isolation and isolation leads us away from the center of God’s will. I am not applauding the fact that Jonah screwed up, but I am realizing that even in our disobedience God is faithful and full of grace.

That is what I need from him, because I so often feel like a failure in my pursuit of him. I had a Jonah moment in my life when I felt God calling me to speak to a congregation about their feelings towards the Hispanic migrants in the community. As a new member of the church I was saddened to see them treat the community of Hispanics with contempt. My plan was to leave the church, find one that did not represent us in such a harsh, unloving way. God had other plans and he told me, for months, to speak to them about their unloving ways. Long story short I never did. I tried to write a letter, the pastors would not agree to read it and wanted me to address the congregation. I was in my late 20’s and the bulk of the parishioners were in their 50’s, I could not do it. Of course now I know that I can never do anything, but through God who strengthens me I can do all things. Unfortunately, I did exactly what Jonah did and ran away. Up until this year I felt ashamed for my actions, for not having the courage to be obedient to God. I know that he still loves me and has forgiven me. I also know that if I need the strength to be obedient to him, I need to look to him and get support from my community of believers. My walk of obedience has been a long one. From rebellious punk rocker that did the opposite of what I was told on purpose, to the God fearing Christian who struggles, but ultimately knows that there is no better place than the trust and faith I have in Jesus.  The more I walk in obedience to him, the more blessed I become.

Thank God his grace is sufficient for me, as wretched as I can be.

May God bless you as you try to walk in obedience. 

Words

I love words. Yet they are one of the most dangerous weapons we have in our arsenal. We use them to tear people down. In the process we think we are building ourselves up, but the opposite actually happens. I have said some angry and hateful things to people that I do not like. On purpose,and as I learn to be more like christ I look back and realize just how badly I need a saviour. I do have regret, I do feel remorse and have asked for forgiveness in order to heal in my own soul.

There have been times when I have said hurtful things to those that I love too. Those are the worst because you immediately regret it and then try to remedy what can not be unspoken. You can say sorry, you can buy them things to make up for it, but it doesn’t change what has been said.

Children look up to their parents and expect them to love them unconditionally. Unfortunately we are human and we let them down. We call them lazy out of frustration when they haven’t cleaned their room after being told for days on end. I am guilty of this, but I do turn around and apologize; realizing the gravity of my words, and most importantly I vow to watch what I say. I ask God to help me edify my children. I beg him for the strength to be the parent that deserves to raise these wonderful children in my care. I humble myself and in the process learn to be a better parent.

There are some parents; really broken people who just know how to tear down. They tell their own children that they will disown them if there is another custody case. They tell them that they are a disgrace. Then there is no apology. There is no ownership of the lifetime of damage that has been caused by one little world. How are we supposed to love people like this? How are we supposed to show compassion and caring for those who so readily destroy the heart and self esteem of a child. Their own child? This is my prayer. God show me how to forgive this person. When really all I want is for God to bring down his vengeance like a flood. Annihilation seems like a better option than forgiveness and redemption in this moment. One thing I love about God is that he will walk me through this, it will be born out in tears and desperate prayers on my face before him, and I will have grown and become more christlike in the process.

Words can be glorious too.

God created words, he is the word and with words he created us.

That is beautiful.

According to Business Insider the most beautiful word in the English language is Mother.

Mother. Now why do you think that word was voted on more than any other?

As the author explains its choice, Mother is… “an unglamorous word, yet one that conveys comfort and the deepness of human relationships.”

Read more: http://www.businessinsider.com/whats-the-most-beautiful-word-in-english-2014-3#ixzz36jtLDIwg

I am a Mother, and so as I ponder this as one of the most beautiful words in the english language; I feel honored. Yet it also shows the gravity of our job as parents. The importance of deep relationships and the impact we have on the world.

I am an encourager. I love to pray for people and encourage them in dark times. I love to use my words to build people up. One thing I have learned is that I actually get built up in the process. Sometimes the encouraging takes the form of trying to cancel out lies that have been spoken over other people as they struggle to find out why they are being unsuccessful, in life or relationships or connecting to God.

Telling your own children that no matter what people say to them they are wanted and loved and they are not a disgrace. That if they find their worth in God alone they will realize they will never be a disgrace.

Speak love to your children, because what is said to them, about them will take root and grow. Teach them the word, because in it they will find life and the truth to cancel out the many lies that will be spoken over them. Spoken in anger, spoken in fear, spoken in frustration, yet spoken to them just the same.

Like a broken plate can never be truly mended back to its original state. Once your words have created damage they can’t be undone.

In your mouth is the power to build up or destroy. Which do you chose?