Past

Reminiscing about the past is a good thing, as long as we do not stay there.

I am here visiting the old stomping grounds, and so many sights and sounds bring memories flooding back. Happy, joyful, crazy memories. Dark, destructive, depressing memories.

But that is life. So it is good to look back, as long as it is only used as a measure of progress and not a laundry list of regrets.

Look back to move forward. We are all ready to leave most of 2020 behind, let’s do it deliberately.

May God bring you His peace; today and for the rest of your days.

In the name of US

In the name of US, I let you decide.

decide the steps that would dictate our road, knowing you could’t handle a detour if your life depended on it.

In the name of US, I let you be erratic.

because we all deserve to have the space to deal with our emotions.

In the name of US, I let you charge her rent.

a child with a disabilty struggling to adult in this scary world.

In the name of US, I let you push away anyone who cared about me.

and you ate it up and asked for more.

In the name of US; you spoke very eloquently about, as you plotted your way out.

because your deceit is all consuming and all you know.

I am concerned for all the others.

Happy Anniversary

Anniversaries are interesting things- we honor or celebrate an event that has happened in the past.

Good anniversaries bring positive memories of beautiful moments in our life.

Bad anniversaries help us to look back at past events to make sure we learned all we can in order to move forward as a better human being than the one before.

What happens when that anniversary is so damn traumatic that even the lesson is lost.

Like a needle in a haystack, you search and search for the lesson or the meaning that brings you closer to understanding yourself and your heavenly Father. Yet all you find is pain and rage at your inability to see the deep betrayal that was happening right before your eyes.

When all that happens is intense distrust of yourself for loving someone who literally did everything in their power to use you. Take from you.

Love bombing is an insidious torture device to maime and manipulate, and I fell; hook, line and sinker. Sacrificing everything in the name of true love.

Then after that overwhelming sense of bliss, the nightmare begins.

Gaslighting is a difficult thing to recover from and makes you more prone to future abuse.

Trying to understand how someone can betray you so deeply, with the ease of a microwave dinner, after you gave everything so completely for them, is no easy feat. Two years in and I want to die a little less and think every so often I might find love again.

Here is to learning your worth in the midst of intense trauma. Here is to serious self work. Here is to believing God when he says you are loved.

Happy anniversary, I am now as broken as you.

Love, me.