Identity

A funny concept, honestly.

We fight for freedom, and scream our individuality at the top of our lungs; but deep down we all need to feel loved and accepted. We search for our identity in the music we love, the friends we keep and the pleasure we seek.

We identify with a group of people, whether the connection is cultural, familial or just plain sexual. We need to connect to others and have a sense of purpose and belonging, when we do joy and peace is present. God has created this need in us so we seek him out and have that beautiful relationship, but we look for it in other things.

I have tried very hard to place my identity firmly in Christ, to not let society deceive me into thinking that something I do or something I inherently am is what buys my ticket to the promised land.

Yet, if asked whom I am I usually say; mother and teacher, first and foremost. Those two words are my identity and when your identity gets challenged or questioned life can feel hopeless.

We must always look to hope; do not let fear win in your life. Your identity is in Him alone. This will be my mantra. God is teaching me a hard, but important lesson. I must trust His path, no matter how scary it may seem.

Good grief

An oxymoron, you say? How could good be synonymous with grief? 

Grief, by its very definition is an abiding lament. Does not sound good to me. The plethora of synonyms shed some light on the deep emotional impact of this word. 

Sorrow, misery, sadness, anguish, pain, distress, heartache, heartbreak, agony, torment, affliction, suffering, woe, desolation, dejection, despair; mourning, mournfulness, bereavement, lamentation….. the list goes on. 

Ponder those words and you’re libel to experience mournfulness. Depression. Despair. 

We can have empathy for loved ones who have suffered a loss in the family, those struggling with long term illness and any other painfully impactful situation we might find ourselves in because we have experienced grief. 

People in the midst of grief know these words intimately, and when faced with unbearable pain and suffering we are left with two choices; bear the brunt, bury the pain and move on, or get on our knees before God and wrestle it out. 

Curse him for sending your baby to Texas. Or Out of state college or the Marines….  

Resent him for perfectly laid plans gone awry, for broken relationships and attempts at control out of fear. 

Yell at him for your pain. 

Sometimes when I despair, I get stuck. I beat myself up for not being stronger, smarter, faster. When all God is looking for is a release of our emotions. Trust me, He can handle the cursing; as long as it transforms to the praises he deserves.

  Grief can be good. 

Many times in my life have I taken my anger to the alter of God and demanded to be heard and like Job have I sat in awe of the gracious love of my God when he responds as a good father should. Realizing I have every authority to go to my Father to be heard as I cry out in pain and know that he hears me and reminds me to trust him. 

Once you scream out the despair, you can refocus on the hope. Hope is much better than lament, but we need to walk through our pain to get to the promise. 

Heres to hope. ❤️🙏🏼 ✝️

Gratitude is hard work

Do you waltz through life in awe of the blessings you experience every minute? Most of us would say no. Life is hard. Life is messy. Life is hard work. I seem to crawl through life, getting bruised and scratched and sometimes looking up to see how far I have come. Like a solider in combat in the overgrown jungle, fighting for every step I take.
I do have these moments though. These glorious moments of peace, and beauty and blessing that fills my heart and makes me want to scream, “Thank you, God, for I am blessed.”. I have learned this year that you need to pursue these moments, to force yourself sometimes to look around you and be blessed. There are blessings all around us. everyday.
As a single mother with special needs children, and a special education teacher life is a challenge. God never said it wouldn’t be though. This I do take comfort in.
Yesterday was a challenging day for sure. Before I walked on campus I had a crisis to deal with regarding my children, at lunch time I had a crisis with one of my students and after school an hour longer confrontation with a colleague. Talk about an awkward department meeting, but really a typical day for me. I was stressed and spent by the time 3:30 rolled around. I was not seeing the blessings, that’s for sure.

Sometimes we have to force ourselves to realize how blessed we are, but boy can it be an attitude changer.
The biggest problem with walking in gratitude is that we are too busy walking to be grateful for anything. walking. driving. talking. thinking. doing dishes or laundry or running errands or working or…..we need to stop. It is imperative to the soul to take time and enjoy life, seek joy and see the blessings around you.

I am so blessed; I have a relationship with Jesus that is life changing, I have three beautiful girls who are amazing and we have a great relationship, I have a wonderful mom and siblings to share my happiness and heartaches with, I have a best friend who would do anything for me, I have a job that I truly love…the list could go on and on. Take stock of your blessings today. Take time to seek out the blessing around you.

Last night, after my rough day, my daughter and I went to the school carnival. At first it was a task, I was volunteering. One more thing on my list of to do’s. When I got there I was overwhelmed at the life I saw all around me. Smiling kids running everywhere. Proud parents grinning from ear to ear. The smell of delicious food wafting through the air. I truly enjoyed each interaction with the kids that came to my booth as we talked about nature, educating them on animal scat, or the types of Oak’s in the area. I was filled with joy when we gave away the prize to the little girl with excitement in her eyes. I was amazed at the tender heart of my youngest who literally gave away all her tickets to little kids as she won them, with no reservation. On the walk home I appreciated the swallows that were flying around, their angular W shapes and the quickness with which they flew around as if on a mission from God himself. As we rounded the corner to our street I was overwhelmed with the sweet smell of Jasmine. Which reminded me of our sweet Dog who has since passed. Yet, I did not feel sadness, but joy that she blessed our lives the way she did and the realization that a dog’s unwavering loyalty is exactly how I need to approach gratitude in my life. I need to be more loyal in my pursuit of gratitude, because it is really insulting to God and other people to be unthankful.

That is my mission, when I start to fail, maybe you can help remind me?

 

Psalm 118:24 “This is the day that the Lord hath made; we will rejoice and be glad in it.”

Hindsight is 20/20

If there is one thing I have learned in my many years of living, it would have to be the importance of good vision.

Good vision is everything to us, I wake up in the morning and the first thing I do is open my eyes. That is a blessing that I can open my eyes, see my daughters lovely face, the filtered sunlight coming through my window, the on button for my coffee maker. That is a blessing for sure.  As a Special education teacher I have worked with students who are blind.

No vision.

Can you imagine? How hard must it be to hear your peers talking and having fun, but not be able to see them or feel like you can take part in their camaraderie? To not be able to see a sunset, or a puppy, or a beautifully orchestrated ballet; that is something I could not bear.

I have always bragged about my vision. When I was young I consumed mass amounts of carrots, thanks to those 70’s parents who told us that carrots improved your vision. I guess it is possible there was something to that. You see I am the youngest of 8 siblings and the only one who doesn’t wear glasses for something. I can see street signs from very far away. I can read tiny print in dim light, with my  very fluffy cat sitting on my lap. I have been blessed with great vision. But sometimes our vision fails us.

I have been through a terrible tragedy in my life, and I have to tell you I was “blindsided”. My vision, which I have always trusted, failed me. But it seems to me that when something we rely on fails us we need to get it checked out, readjust it, or replace it. My plan is to readjust my blurry vision.

My new focus is on Jesus, I know if I can keep my eyes on him I will come through the fire stronger and more refined. That is my goal, it always has been my goal, yet sometimes trials and daily tedium get our eyes off the prize, so to speak.

I could beat myself up for not seeing the signs, or not guarding my heart better, or putting myself in the position that lead to this point.  Yet the reality is, everything I have been through and the things I am going through, have shaped me into a pretty awesome person.

If you can’t see that you might want to get your eyes checked 🙂