How do we stop manipulating people or situations? 

Is it so inherent in our psyche that we can’t stop? Or just so natural that it takes serious conscience thought to stop. I’m not sure, but I know that it frustrates me to no end to see others do it and makes me feel like I have no control over myself when I notice that I do it too. 

We should be attempting to pattern all of our relationships after God and his relationship with us. I know that is not a simple goal. I screw up all the time and when I think I’m being self sacrificing I sometimes find that I am self serving instead. 

The classic song “amazing grace” comes to mind because sometimes I come to terms with the wretch that I can be and I am humbled.  

I know most people think drug addicts and adulterers and evil liars when they think of the wretch that is referenced in this song. Yet I am keenly aware of the wretch that I can be just in my daily commute. The evil thoughts I have for perfect strangers because of my opinion of their driving habits can be pretty horrible. 

I need Jesus. I need amazing grace. 

I pride myself on being gracious, and giving; nurturing others to the point that it makes me a wretch sometimes. When I start to think that I am better than others, more holy. That is so ugly to me, and yet like a bad habit I go back to it.  

But on the flip side we must set boundaries in place to make sure we are being valued by others. Because just like me, they have the desire to be self sacrificing and find themselves to be actually only looking out for themselves as well. What a trap we fall in, and then feel so ashamed when we realize it. Self preservation is so inherent, even for those who have not experienced trauma. 

So we walk this thin line of loving like Jesus but protecting ourselves. Giving up everything to lift up others, but making sure that we do not surround ourselves with those who might share our last supper than turn around and sell our souls for a few pieces of silver.  

I desire to know how to walk that line. I desire to love others, the way I’m supposed to love myself. 

Maybe that’s the problem, I thought I loved myself so much better than I have in the past, or maybe I need to face my fears and tell them they have no place here. I am a child of God, and have nothing to fear. 

I’m really good at that, until I’m not. 


About Rebecca

I am a Mother of three girls, a woman after God's heart, a special education teacher and a knit a holic. I have the best friends a woman can ask for, an addiction to worship music and a daughter with Epilepsy. I am beyond blessed in all situations I am in, will be in or have been in. God is good.
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