The game changer

Some of you know that I have recently divorced. It was my action yes, but not my choice. Life is difficult sometimes and we make choices based on our limited viewpoint. If I had seen things clearer I probably would have left ages ago, but I have always felt that committed relationships should be just that. Committed.
I have tried very hard to make positive choices and minimize the damage that my children experience, but sometimes it’s not enough.
You see I was damage control for most of our marriage, trying to minimize the impact of our dysfunction on our children. I would like to believe that I succeed to some extent. Unfortunately, I think my girls would disagree.
You see all of their memories are pretty painful to hear. They make me feel guilty. Make me ashamed that I was not able to do more, or be stronger.
But now they are recovering. We are finally feeling such a sense of peace and normalcy.
This is what normal life feels like, I often think to myself. We got used to the rhythm of our visitation schedule. We had a conversation or two with those who hurt us; those we said we would never forgive. Baby steps.
Then we take a giant leap backward and I’m plunged into the same old uncomfortable role of trying to convince my children that their father loves them. Unfortunately for him, and them, his actions say otherwise.
This past week my girls learned that their father got rid of their horse. They are devastated to say the least.
No conversation to see how they felt before hand. No offer to see if we could care for her. No chance to say goodbye.
This is one damage control that is out of my hands, and so I say, like so many other times in my life. I surrender. God, you need to mend my children’s hearts because I can’t do it. You need to help me believe that there are men out there who can be kind and admit their faults, that won’t blame others for their mistakes.
You need to overwhelm us, because we are full of despair. Amen.

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About Rebecca

I am a Mother of three girls, a woman after God's heart, a special education teacher and a knit a holic. I have the best friends a woman can ask for, an addiction to worship music and a daughter with Epilepsy. I am beyond blessed in all situations I am in, will be in or have been in. God is good.
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