Awkward

Being single in your 40’s is just plain awkward. Especially if you are a Christian with morals.
First, there is dating. These days online dating is the way to go apparently. I am a busy working single mother, so it seems like my only option but it is not the most appealing. I have set up a few profiles on a few sites and so far have discovered the Gems of the online dating scene. 18 year olds messaging me for my “digits”, because I’m really hot. ( ummm, no way), 70 yr old guys getting mad at me because I won’t go line dancing with them ( look for someone your own age please), 40 year old guys sending me pictures of their glorious six pack ( so inappropriate and creepy), Profile pictures that would be considered pornography and guys who adamantly demanded that I have premarital sex or my life will be ruined ( with them of course, and when you don’t respond they still message you… For weeks) You name it, I have seen it. It’s getting a bit old and I am over it. The crazy thing is my profiles explicitly say I’m a Christian woman with morals ( aka not looking for a hookup) Yet I get messages telling me I probably won’t meet any christians, but I’m really sexy. I have received an ego boost or two, but mostly I have lost my faith in huMANity.
Don’t get me wrong, I have met or talked to a couple of real gentlemen that seem to be good people. Even if our date or two didn’t go anywhere I have been blessed by our conversation and our commonality in this crazy space we call dating in your 40’s. I am glad, however that it is back to work and school for my bunch, I need to get back to some normalcy in my life.

The other awkwardness that I face is the friends and community I share my life with. When I went through my divorce I moved to a wonderful, small community that has great schools and great community members. I am so loved and supported here, it is amazing. I have made so many great friends and have deep connections with more people in a year, then the ones I had for the past 15, struggling in an unhealthy marriage. I’m so blessed. The downside of this though is they are all married. Happily married and I’m so glad for them, but sometimes it’s hard for us. My girls hurt a little when they see all the whole families go in church, and they feel a little different and left out. I tell them that they have a heavenly father that loves them and we are a whole family, but kids need something tangible to feel complete I think. Teachers and staff talk because my youngest wore the same shirt two days in a row. I wish they would understand some of the struggles we go through and how amazing it is that she is dressed and in school, considering the anger and rage she experienced moments before due to the heartbreaking year she had. But I must show them grace, as I would want them to show towards us. My favorite is the “lovey dovey marriage bed” talk I get to hear because I’m part of girls night out. But they are all married and I’m not. They should be able to talk about their triumphs and struggles in their marriage. But I still feel like the odd woman out, and it makes me sad that I do not have that intimacy that I long to have. The most awkward of all is the matchmaker situation. I know someone. There’s this guy at church. My husbands colleague just went through a divorce. Or the long list of do’s and dont’s that I need to think about while dating. Most are harmless and endearing, but I’m starting to feel like others don’t trust me to run my own life. That I am broken and need to be fixed up to be fixed. Yes I want companionship and eventually to remarry, but for now I’m content with who I am and where I am going. I am loved by God and if I feel lonely, it is because I’m looking for companionship in all the wrong places. For now I’m trusting God in all areas of my life and loving my friends for caring enough about me to be worried and want to help in their awkward ways.

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About Rebecca

I am a Mother of three girls, a woman after God's heart, a special education teacher and a knit a holic. I have the best friends a woman can ask for, an addiction to worship music and a daughter with Epilepsy. I am beyond blessed in all situations I am in, will be in or have been in. God is good.
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