Today marks the date my divorce is official. I am no longer married. This is not an April Fools joke, although the last few months have been fairly laughable. It has been a rough road, the last 7 months. Actually the last 15 years were too. We had some great times, and we have two great kids; but most of our marriage was miserable. I spent a lot of it fighting, not the usual fighting with your spouse fighting (although there was that too), but the “we will last until the end” fighting. I think that is what hurts the most, all of the time and energy and broken prayers I poured into something, that ultimately didn’t make it. I am a failure.
Part of the reason I am a failure is that sometimes I tried to fix things on my own, but when we try to control things that God should be in control of, we often fail. I am guilty of other issues as well, scars from my past that have made me gun shy. We all have those though, that is the thing about relationships, they are messy. That can be what makes a marriage beautiful, the intimacy that comes with sharing those scary things and working together; with God to mend them. I guess it was too much to ask. Ultimately, I believe I tried harder than he did to keep things together, some might disagree with me. That is okay. To those people please know that I still love you, and forgive you for the hurt you are causing, and ask forgiveness for whatever hurt I have caused you.
Divorce is ugly. God plans for a marriage to last forever. It is not only two people becoming one, but whole families joined together. The plans of God are grandiose and beautiful. The plans of the Devil are to steal, kill and destroy. Sometimes we are too weak, broken or confused to see his plans or trust him completely. Generational curses win out, and this fallen world scores one more for the Devil’s team. Thank God for redemption.
This is the next chapter of my life. I never thought I would be here, but well here I am. I am going to make it count. I am going to live for him. I am going to live. period. I am studying the word and trying to apply it to my life. The biggest lessons God is teaching me so far; let people help you, manage money wisely, and setting boundaries for healthy relationships. With that being said I am starting to think about having another relationship, I am not ready to date, but it is good to think about it and get a grip on what that should look like.
Do I involve my kids initially? Or later? Do I date someone who has kids too? Maybe not? Then there is sex… My God says not until marriage. For someone who has already enjoyed this blessing of a good marriage that is hard to fathom, but ultimately I want to please my father in heaven. One thing I do know, he must be a christian and actually walk out his faith.
Why is life so complicated? I guess if I just keep seeking him and trusting him this time my relationship will be blessed. Not sure why it took me so long to figure that out.
Thank you to all my friends and family that helped us when we needed it, who heard our cries for help and reached out, who sat with us in support when we were not the happiest people to be around. You are loved and appreciated.
One thing I do know. Today is a day of pondering things past and looking forward to my future.